Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.