[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.