Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
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Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Webb. James Webb.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The asteroid..
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.