VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Got him!
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Hit me in the face with a bird
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.