They’re called werewolves.
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.