Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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Fixed this for Shakespeare
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine