“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I feel it
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.