my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st