No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
listen closely
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.