I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome