Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
You Might Also Like
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
fly smarter, not harder
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.