A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…