I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
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Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Labreador
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.