Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
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imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
still the best tweet of the year by far
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.