Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
The game has officially changed 😎
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Planet of the Apps.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
how long have you had this for?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground