Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
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Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
*weighs self after shaving
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it