I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document