Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
You Might Also Like
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
A drum solo but on your face.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs