If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.