*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.