*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah