I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.