What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
just got my engagement photos
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”