My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year