“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Try and stop me.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea