Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.