If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after