Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲