him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
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[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.