Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Weighing up my bread heating options