“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The cashier just checked me out.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day