Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
You Might Also Like
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
At least he brought enough for everyone
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while