feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Bless you
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I enjoy a good short stor
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen