Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
security at the airport getting more straightforward
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.