Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Care for your back
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.