A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
@ candidates for local office
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Yes, this is exactly right