[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
this is uni
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell