Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?