me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.