I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
You Might Also Like
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.