Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
You Might Also Like
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON