ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.