[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.