This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
You Might Also Like
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke