me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?