This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.