{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
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Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.