Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.