“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[montage of me giving-up]
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.