No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.